• Brenda

Why I really broke up with my ex - and why you may need to leave your man too

If you're a true follower and follow my stories on IG, then you would recall that back in 2021, I shared some insight into what happened to that relationship so many of you were rooting for. It was a 'grand opening, grand closing' type of situation. On that same day I posted a beautiful picture of my hand in his, openly declaring I was in a relationship, I immediately regretted it because believe it or not, I knew this was not going to last. *Side note, on that day we went to the fancy restaurant (pictured below) for our 1st 'official couple's dinner', I ended up having to foot part of the bill because he did not have enough money...I cannot make this stuff up! He turns to me in front of the waiter who is awaiting payment and goes, 'How much do you have on you?'....

4 months felt like 5 years in the end because of the mental toll the relationship was taking on me.



 

Firstly, this man played too many mind games and was a chief gas lighter

I know we use the term gaslighting way too often but this was definitely the case. If I said I could not make myself available for something, he would say it was because I was ashamed of him or selfish. If his ex called and her name still appeared as 'Precious Beautiful Queen' on his phone, and I confronted him about it, it became 'wow, you don't trust me? You're that insecure?' Like bro, I barely know you to be trusting you like that! He made me sound like this terrible person who thought she had a lot going for herself but really did not. At the time I was making more than him and he would always make snide remarks, 'Oh you're only talking to me like that because you have a good job and think you can minimize me.' 'You're only treating me like this because you've lent me a little money. I used to drive a Bentley!' 'You think you're someone because you have a lot of followers on social media', or my favourite: 'how come you don't post me on social media? It's because you don't really love me and you're ashamed of me.' See, he was partially correct with that one. If I'm being honest, I was never truly in love with him and I do not intend to post any man on my social media unless he is my husband. I knew this man was not going to be my husband from month 1.

The whole time we were together, this man was waiting on some big settlement money, which to me was a red flag , but okay. He loved to figuratively dangle this incoming money in my face. Promising to lend me $50k to start a business when it came in. Some women stay just for that - not me.

He would never pick up when I called. Even if he had just called and I was returning his call. No, he had to be the one to call me. I asked him about it one time and he did what he did best - flipped it on me and said I only expect him to pick up at my convenience...yea, exhausting right?



Secondly, he was not at my level

Yes, you read right. I'm a strong believer in marrying at your level. This can mean different things to different people. In my case, I mean goals, mentality, drive, aspirations. He operated from a scarcity mind set and it showed in his relationship with money. If he came into a little money, he immediately wanted to get a gold chain and a new car. He wanted to have the money in cash and do Tik tok videos holding the money to his ear, like a 2001 50 Cent music video - I found it extremely cringeworthy. He thought therapy was pointless and he already knew all the answers to everything in his life and mine. We attended a couple's therapy session one time and he felt as though the therapist was siding with me and he felt attacked. We never attended another session.

He valued name brands and flashy items over travel and experiences which to me, is a no no. He spent hard, not thinking about the rainy day and then would need money here and there for basic stuff some time later. It made no sense to me and I am also a big spender, but I can always fend for myself without asking anyone for assistance.


He was very aggressive - even in bed

He told me this weird story about why he was no longer a police officer and it involved: him, an ex, a domestic altercation and a gun that went off unintentionally. That story never made sense to me. He said she lied to the cops and he had gotten arrested for that. Hmm

I once heard him threaten a woman on the phone saying, 'you know how crazy I can get' and I thought to myself: Ohhh, please tell me how crazy you can get. When I asked him about it, he said he was not being serious about the threat. He would always say things like, 'you women are evil' or 'if my child turns out gay, I'll kill her.' That was hella frightening to me. I don't care if it's a joke - talking about killing your kids is not a joke you make. I could not feel safe around him.

Sex was always when he wanted it (I mean sometimes showing up at my apartment unannounced just to have sex, but not in a cute way). There was never foreplay or asking what I liked or wanted - just aggressively straight to business for him. I would feel sore for 2-3 days after. That was such a turn off for me.




He was not forthcoming and was on his ex's phone plan

His ex called my phone one night while we were watching a movie. A woman I had never spoken to before. I only picked up because it was a Toronto number and I have a lot of friends there. She proceeded to ask to speak to this man, saying she wanted her stuff back from him and had tried to contact him multiple times but he was no longer picking up her calls. He grabbed the phone from me and they began to argue about him returning her property. He hung up on her, she called back (again, on my cell phone), and he said she should come down to Ottawa to get this property. When he finally hung up, I asked him about the whole fiasco to which he responds, this crazy ex of his wanted him back and bought him a phone to try to get him back. He claims he had given the phone to his brother but I kept wondering; there is only one way for a person to obtain a phone number they have never called and that is if the phone plan is in their name because they can pull up call history records. If the phone was being used by his brother, how on Earth did she get my phone number? As Judge Judy says, 'if it doesn't make sense, it's usually not true.' I told him to ship this woman the phone and not make her drive 4 hours to Ottawa for it because that could lead to an altercation and it was also petty of him to make her come get her property. Jeez, why hadn't he just sent her the phone as soon as she asked for it back! Again, see what I mean about the mind games? It was probably a control thing for him.


Last but not least, he had too many damn kids, lol

From the first date, he told me he had 3 kids. It was a big turnoff for me. He explained 2 of them were with a woman he was with for 10 years and intended to marry but she had ended up cheating on him with her current husband, so I understood that. The second child however was about a year old I believe and lived in Haiti with her mother. He had not known her mother for long before they had an unplanned child. (I am not surprised as this man was so allergic to condoms and had the nerve to get upset with me when he saw I was on birth control, talking about, 'I went behind his back to get on the pill. WTF?!) I was not about to be another single mother. While we were together, he told me how he may potentially have 2 more kids out there, twins. I found out later on that he took a DNA test and he was indeed their father. A father of 5 with 3 different mothers at 31? That's too much for me. It's giving reckless.



Thanks to this relationship, I have figured out what I do not like in a man, certain red flags to spot quickly (and run), as well as what I will not tolerate.


I'll be sharing these lessons in my next post.


For now, feel free to tell me if my ex experience tops any of yours, lol


XOXO


Theankaraqueen


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